THE WHY’S AND HOW’S OF FORGIVENESS
A sermon by the Rev. Dr. Marie Sheldon
Harundale Presbyterian Church
Text: “. . . how often should I forgive?” (Matthew 18: 21b)
Scripture Passage: Matthew 18: 21-35
The well-known nineteenth-century British author Oscar Wilde is quoted as saying, “Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.” Undoubtedly, there’s more than a grain of truth in that statement because some people like nothing as much as a knock-‘em out, get-even fight – and when that’s taken from them in an act of forgiveness, they feel both annoyed and deprived. And yet, to offer forgiveness to someone who has wronged us is rarely easy. For that reason, we are fortunate to get some of Jesus’ guidance on the subject – guidance that comes down to us from this morning’s lesson in the Gospel of Matthew.
One of the things renowned Scottish biblical scholar William Barclay has written in his analysis of this gospel story is that we have to be grateful to Peter for his big mouth. Jesus had been engaged in telling a number of parables – stories that taught his listeners how to live their lives – when out of the blue, Peter interrupted with a question: “Lord, if a member of the church sins against me, how often should I forgive? As many as seven times?” Peter was ready to set definitive limits on his idea of forgiveness. His question could have been rephrased as a statement: “If some one lets me have it, I’ll forgive that person seven times.” Peter may have been waiting for Jesus to give him a pat on the back – because according to traditional rabbinical teaching, Jews were expected to forgive only four times when they were wronged. Peter was throwing in three extra times – at no extra cost. What a bargain! Jesus, however, did not pat Peter on the back. Instead. He answered Peter’s question about how many times forgiveness must be offered by saying, “Not seven times, but I tell you, seven times seventy.” Then he told another parable. It was about a slave who owed his king a great deal – but out of generosity, the king forgave his slave’s debts. That same slave, in a selfish gesture, fails to forgive the debt of a fellow slave who owes a mere pittance. In anger, the king punished the slave who didn’t forgive as he had been forgiven. The punch line comes when Jesus ends the story by saying, “So my heavenly Father will also do to you if you do not forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”
But how many times? Four times, like the rabbis said? Seven times like Peter said? Or seventy-seven times like Jesus said? We human beings are so much like Peter. We want to set limits on our forgiveness because our so-called sense of justice constantly prods us to seek revenge. There’s a story about a little boy who was bickering with a playmate in his Sunday School class. The teacher had gone over this gospel lesson with the class, telling the kids that some Bible translations quote Jesus as saying one should forgive seventy times seven – not just seventy-seven. That got the boy into a bit of quick computing. He multiplied 7 times 70 and came up with 490. Here’s what he said to his playmate: “Billy, I’ll forgive you 490 times, but after that you better watch out.”
In reality, Jesus called us to forgive an infinite number of times. Biblical use of the number 7 in any form means completeness or infinity. Basically, what Jesus was saying was that we have to offer forgiveness over and over again – ignoring all numerical limits.
For those of you who are into statistics, it’s interesting to note that our obligation to forgive did not originate with Jesus. On the contrary, the obligation to forgive is cited in the Bible more than any other counsel. And yet, how many of us truly live our lives paying attention to that counsel? We are constantly offered opportunities to exercise forgiveness, but more often than not, we rationalize our motives to withhold it. “You’ve hurt me once too often. I can’t forgive you again.” “Forgiveness is too good for him. Let him die.” “Forgive?” Are you out of your mind? Have you lost it?”
Because forgiveness does not come naturally to most of us, it might be helpful for us to explore some of the why’s and the how’s of forgiveness? Why should we forgive anyway? There are two main reasons. One is divine and one is human. The divine reason is that we need to forgive because God has forgiven us. Through the prophet Isaiah, God said, “I will not remember your sins.” And yet, we’re wonderful are remembering what we perceive as everyone else’s sins. For other people’s sins we want full retribution, glossing over all the times we have sinned against God and against our neighbor. Instead of sitting on a pompous mountain of self-righteousness where we revel in judging those who have offended us, it’s time to ask ourselves, “How much can I do to show my thankfulness for all the love and forgiveness God has extended to me?” That’s a divine reason to forgive.
A human reason to forgive is that it’s liberating to let go of a grudge – to let go of hatred and the desire for revenge. The story is told of a former inmate who had been held prisoner in a Nazi concentration camp. One day, decades after that terrible ordeal, he was visiting with a friend who had also been incarcerated by the Nazis. He asked his friend, “So – have you forgiven the Nazis?” His friend answered him, “Yes, I have forgiven them.” “Well, I haven’t,” came the reply. “I’m still consumed with hatred toward them.” “In that case,” his friend remarked gently, “They still have you in prison.” There is as much truth in that conversation as there is in the parable Jesus taught to Peter and his friends. People who choose not to forgive put themselves in prison. They lock themselves up in a cell that’s smeared with self-pity, hatred and revenge. Forgiveness is liberating. It helps us get on with our lives. It brings us closer to God and to each other.
There are many how’s associated with forgiveness. One caution is to give yourself some time to grieve about whoever or whatever hurt you. It takes time to work through the anger and the pain sometimes. It takes time to be in a place to be ready to forgive.
How, besides giving ourselves time to heal, can we go about forgiving? Ideally, a face-to-face apology is at the top of the list. But sometimes that’s not an option. We can pick up the phone; we can send a note (snail mail or e-mail). And if the person has died, we can write the letter anyway – if for no other reason than to transfer our thoughts from our heads to the outside world.
Ritual helps. I read about a mother and a son who were angry with people who owed money to their deceased husband and father. So they retrieved what they could and then wrote all the unpaid debts on individual pieces of paper – forgiving the people as they burned the paper. When the ritual was over, they felt a sense of relief and peace.
In a few minutes, we’ll be saying the Lord’s Prayer together. When we do, think about the words that fall so glibly from our lips: “Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.” Think about what that means – we want God to forgive us in the same way we forgive those who have wronged us. It’s a heavy analogy. If there’s someone in your life you haven’t forgiven, you might want to reconsider and offer them forgiveness. Oscar Wilde might say that by forgiving them you might annoy them. Maybe he’s right – but God will be pleased, and you will be set free.
Now unto the God of all grace, who has called us into eternal glory by Christ Jesus, be glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen.